Virgin In Her 20's

In my least confident moments, I believe shadows are meant to be our playmates. I know there are many a bride who wove her wedding dress with cobwebs, turned her tears to crisp champagne to water her guests and her hopes that things won’t always be this way. We settle and the secrets grow ripe and sour and rot.

I believe in honesty more than I believe in my own breath. But people tell me I’m doing it wrong: that men like the chase, they want what they can’t have, don’t make it easy for them, don’t give in, play hard to get. Love… is not a plaything to me. It is not easy and isn’t something to be chased. It is something to be walked alongside. Two individuals side by side without one leading or following or begging. But who am I? And what do I  know.

Truth is I’ve loved two people and been in love countless times. My high school boyfriend was the last man to commit to me. Since then I’ve had men ask me to mother their children, kneel at my feet in a crowded bar, fly from California to surprise me,  to then have them tell me I’m just not what they need or better yet that they aren’t what I need. I said this 5 years ago and it’s still true: I’m like communism: good in theory but no one wants to put me into practice.

I used to hope to find a pure man. I found him but he wasn’t the one. Then I hoped to find an honest man. I found him but he didn’t want to be the one. Now I hope to find a deliberate man, who loves with purpose and intention. I know he exists because I exist and it is selfish to ever think you are alone in your wanting or in your sadness.

I won’t lie… it hurts to be rejected but I’d rather be hurt standing out in the open sunshine than spend my days and nights playing with shadows.